Mutter, Mutter, Mumble, Mumble

12:38AM

its over we can all go home now

George Carlin is dead...

that's it, turn on the lights, lock the doors, go home

p

9:47AM

got the wyclef jean album yesterday

as a musician i'm humbled

as a man i'm embarrased

as a human i'm hopeful

it's really a really good album... it drifts into "radio-pop" now and again, but only a little... and even then, its the best music on the radio hands down...

"Welcome to the East" shows more thought and creativity (not to mention AWESOME production and mixing) than anything the trite, retarded and reactionary modern hip-hop scene has to offer.

just a damned good album

p

7:49PM

healthcare in america is the most glaringly obvious example of how utterly BAD capitalism is as an economic device.

the idea that something so important to the fabric of a community comes with a price tag... a fucking PROFIT margin.

Capitalism is not good, America is not good, Selfishness, Greed and Apathy are not good.

Every couple of days I vascialate wildly from satisfied to sick and fucking tired of it all.

Its like the karmic pendulum is swinging so quickly I can no longer make sense of which extreme it's cutting through. I'm just clinging to it and shutting my eyes but it keeps moving faster, faster... Its a ride I can't get off of, but unlike most tumultuous madcap experiences it will only end when I do... Meditation, practice... its said these lead to whatever I seem to need... but i've nearly stopped entirely. Two years ago my world started collapsing, then it got worse... now I'm supposedly through it, but i feel like i'm just lying in the shambles of it all. And its so thick, so fucking oppressive that even breathing takes work.

There are two posts here... not just one... and i suppose i'll likely delete one of them by morning... i hate the idea of all that hopelessness

p

7:22PM - Tracker...

goodbye my friend

what the fuck?

heart attack at 38...

all my love, my old friend

tori

12:46PM - ARE YOU STUPID!!?!?!?!?!!!??!?!?!!

Are you?

Stupid, I mean...???

George Bush thinks you are...

he promises to draw down troops and start bringing people home from his big fucking mistake in the middle east...

that sounds good...

but please remember, he sent 10,000 more troops to Iraq at the beginning of the year as a surge...

he promises to draw down 5800

are you stupid?

He's counting on it...

p

11:28AM - wow

ok, so I'm taking just a minute to post, cause i never do anymore

cause I'm working my ass

hehehe

I have a horrible paying job, minimum plus sales commission.. if I ever get into the swing of consistent sales, i might make enough money to get by, heheh...

until then it's all about HOURS

I've spent no time with my family in two weeks, because we REALLY need the pay this month. I work from 1 to 11 every day, and i've only hade like ONE DAY off since I started there... of course I'm not complaining, I need the work and I'm glad to have it.

But it does mean that I go like two days straight each week without seeing my youngest AT ALL. and i really don't see anyone else much either.

Oh,well, eh? at least I'm working, which is more than I could've said last month.

of course this means I am ABSENT from my life. i suppose for now it must be one thing or the other.

p

10:19AM

cool

try as i might i am undereducated for the jobs I qualify for, and over qualified for the jobs I am now applying for.

Guy at Target laughed at my last week for applying... because I, "Should be mailing my resume, not walking in an app" not surprisingly I haven't heard back.

Guy at Guitar Center last night seemed determined to explain to me how the job could potentially make me, "Half what I'm accustomed to" I thought my answers in the interview made him feel pretty positive about hiring me... (at $8.00 hrs plus sales commision) but he said he'd call me back last night, and he hasn't. I called him this morning, and got brushed off after being on hold for 5 minutes.

LOTS of other jobs have come up similarly and not materialized. I can't get call backs from the places I'm qualified to work at... and no one else seems to think I will take working for them seriously because I have held responsible positions and made more money than they pay.

Even the local temp agencies tell me, "We aren't used to placing managers." I say, "I don't wanna be a manager, I'm happy to work on the phones, etc..." ... "Oh, well, we are accustomed to placing students and young people with out so much expereince, but if something you seem suited to comes along..........." apparently that hasn't happened.

Thing is I can't coast on savings/windfalls anymore. This will hurt, starting now... and I don't know what to do...

I know, it's the bitch and the whine. shrug. Not much else to offer.

p

10:06AM

ya know... i am reticent to post anything like real life in my journal

i think its because i feel like i should be this thing we work toward rather than what we are

I hate that, cause i know better

its stupid... of course there's no sense in it

i'm ready to quit right now

ready to drop the whole fucking thing in someone else's lap

sick and worn and pretending not to be i will walk further down this pointless path

one day maybe i'll just stumble in to the bushes and take a long fucking nap

doubtful

p

8:05PM

Saturday Night

18 and over

$5 at the door

Chemical Angel (That's Us!)

C/A/T

And Sigma Project

At the Silk in Sacramento, CA (1011 Del Paso Blvd...)

Playing the fierce Industrial TEKNO BEAT DOWN for you...

see ya

p

12:36AM

so many are wishing the frosting on their cake was white instead of pink.

its that simple.

we smush and fold our lives like oragami amateurs in these vapid attempts to get circumstances to appear as we expect them.

they don't. they won't. sometimes they'll seem to... but then we slide back down the crease of the colored paper and wonder how our swan ended up looking like an airplane. and then we have the unmitigated gall to whine and cry about it. LIKE WE'RE SOMEHOW ENTITLED TO SWANS!!!

the truth is that the swan is just an angry goose with a crooked neck.

we won't find what we need in a stranger's kiss... or a bottle... or in embracing what we think is "US" as we collide with our dreams and our feelings and the fears our parents taught us.

It is not the circumstance of our living, not even our actions or our precious snowflake emotions that bring us happiness and suffering.

and therefore none fo these things will free us from them.

NONE!

shhhh... there's another opportunity to put a drink or two away.... another chance to orgasm on the vibrator of our desires... another time or place to glutton on senses and INPUT! like swine at the feeding bin we stick our necks out and chomp chomp chomp on our shit. On the dead! on our own acrid, wasted flesh.

and dive headlong into what pains us.

p

10:37PM - its a very good question...

9:33AM - everyone's doin' it!... hehehe

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

11:48AM

it's been two weeks... haven't heard from unemployment... called... but the auto recording just say, "Call back later"

Haven't had any replies to my job search yet. "It's tough timing, at the end of the year," I hear...

Waiting for final check from last job to bounce. Because, the next to final check did...

Now owe the bank $1800... if the final check bounces that debt will soar to $5200... cause, ya know, I deposited those payroll checks from the UNIVERISTY in my account assuming they would not bounce.

Food's low... bill's are piling.

If we don't make it, Tell my family I love them...

hehehe

lost in the desert of NO MONEY!

cheers

UPDATE: I have been denied unemployment. Good thing I don't own a gun! Seriously... 'cause this is how that shit happens.

p

10:06PM

some of you will understand the significance

did you know?

Samia Doumit is the face of the "Suicide Girls" logo.

no shit...

I thinnk that's the awesome-ist, evar!

p

6:02PM - In which Our Hero Remains Unflapable in Some SERIOUS Wind... or, The Illusion of Stability

i've been absent... i know... things are very hectic

here's my story.

in October I travelled to Oklahoma on work. I am a non-exempt, hourly employee. In California hourly employees are paid for travel time to and from a work site that is out of town... even when it's overtime. I asked my boss how to report the travel time as overtime since there is NO option for reporting overtime on the university and timecard and I was told, "We don't do over time." I said, "Well, you must do overtime, it's illegal to not do over time.

The next day my boss and her supervisor, the dean of our department, came in my office to tell me that my position may not be funded at the current salary due to some grant concerns but they were sure we could work something out. They then proceeded to explain to me how the University won't pay overtime, "It's not even covered by the federal grant..." but it was so unfair to not pay me for those hours so i should just falsify my time card "under the table" and claim it as comp time. I was pretty surprised at this low ball strong arm style of management. I was also a Program Director for 4.5 years and knew full well that they were breaking the law.

I agreed, as I wanted to protect my salary and job. I falsified my time card and took the "comp" time... and I sent an email to my boss explaining exactyl what I was doing, and that i was doing so because she ordered me to. She replied, "That's great Steven, thank you!"

The next day work she had approved and appreciated was sent back to me to be re-written to maintain the University's "LEvel of Excellence." This was three weeks of work that she approved prior to the overtime discussion. That same day there was a fire alarm and eveyrone in the office went out on the quad... I was conspicuously dissed like a high school freshman by the entire staff. The next day my boss had me present the program to an engineering class and when I got there the entire point of the presentation had been misrepresented. The professor was sure she was quite clear as to the point of the discussion. Fortunately I REALLY know what I'm talkng about when it comes to disability and assistive devices and I did quite well... but the set up was frustrating. And after, my boss came in and accused me of sidetracking the presentation to my own concerns and not those of the program.

The next day I quit

i have not ever in my adult life just walked off a job.

3 days later my boss acknowledged that I'd quit and got my final paycheck out the same day.

3 days ago the paycheck I received for hours worked in September (received on October first, 23 days before I quit) BOUNCED. My bank account went $1780.00 in the red. I expect my final check will do the same in the coming weeks. Megan's account, which is with the same bank, was siphoned off to cover the negative in our joint account to the tune of another $350.00. We now have .01 in our mutual accounts and about $30.00 in cash. I wait to hear if I am eligible for unemployment. I have been old that abuse and failure to pay and ordering me to falsify documents are legitimate reasons to quit but I've been screwed like this before.

I am filing a claim for wages with the Labor Board. I'm told ther is a hefty penalty for this sort of thing and expect to receive a nice chunk of change eventually. But that will t5ake a couple of months. Fortunately Meg works and we have enough cash for a few weeks... but Christmas is gonna be LAME. I feel it's ok though, because gifts and money should never determine whether a good time is had...

Obviously I'm looking for work now... a lot. Someone needs to tell the government that things aren't nearly as in our economy as they think. I have been out of work for three weeks and have had not one offer for an interview. We shall see, though...

Honestly, over the last few years I've learned to trust life to work itself out. Once I got old enough and wise enough to not sabotage my opportunities even the most dramatic events seemed to work themselves out to the good. We will get through this and might even come out ahead in the end. And all will be perfect, just as it is now, just as it was a moment ago.

but that's why you aren't hearing from me...

early in the year it was my family and some mental health issues with my son... the time I took away to deal with them caused me to be passed over at my last employer for the two job saving positions when the grant ran out. In July I passed on a job opportunity out of town, so he wouldn't be displaced again... he really needed (and NEEDS still) some stability. Now it's other concerns. it's been a LONG year. hehehe...

All is perfected, all is just as it should be. And these phantoms are simply my habits, my karma... I see it and I know it to be empty.

p

1:38PM - In Case You Give A Damn!

Fierce, loud, politically minded techno industrial mayhem

and stuff

p

9:37AM

Today is Tokbul with Anam Tulku Rinpoche.

What's it? Anam Tulku Rinpoche is a guru, or Buddhist Lama, and my spiritual teacher.

Tokbul is a regular meeting where we discuss my meditation and stuff.

Usually we just sit on the phone, not saying anything.

Then he says "Thank you so much for calling, Steven. It was wonderful to hear from you again."

And I say, "Thank you Rinpoche..."

At first I tried to think of things to say to him when I called... because the opportunity to speak with your lama can be rare and precious.

At first he would say, "Shhh, you are too smart. Stop all that thinking."

Now we just sit, on the phone.

I love my teacher.

p

12:20PM

i haven't posted in forever and THIS is what I post?!?!?!?!

I know I know... but it tripped me out, man. I would never have guessed.

Grass is always greener... .. .... ...

By the way... I LIVE IN SACRAMENTO...

SACRAMENTO! You scored 34% Style, 42% Climate, and 81% Culture!

You are Sacramento, California. Sacramento is the capital of California and the seat of Sacramento County. It is located in the north-central part of the state at the confluence of the Sacramento and American rivers. You love to absorb everything you can from your environment and the people that live in it. You are highly cultured and appreciate diversity, which is a wonderful thing. Being 'in style' isn't as important to you as just 'being'...living and experiencing all that life has to offer, especially the Arts. You are a people-lover, and while you prefer a warmer climate, probably little will keep you indoors and away from all the action. And hey, San Francisco is just a skip and a jump away, too.

8:08AM

Walking across the campus heading to your office a wind comes up. It blows against your skin, cools your arms and face. You bask in its power and think, “This immediate moment is pure and perfect.” And, BAM, the wind goes right through you, at first you feel it in your bones, between muscle and sinew, in the cavity of your chest it howls and echoes in the chambers of your flesh. Then, all at once there is no you for the wind to pass through, and no wind. It is there, you feel the effect but you KNOW the truth. The wind is a condition caused by other conditions. And you are also. This self, this body, this awareness, are all conditions with causes. There is no INHERENT real thing here, just a made up conditional experience based on some other conditional experience just past. Even YOU, this person, is all just a fabrication compiled of previous conditions coming together to cause the illusion of a thing. And so the wind and the self become one, and fly away together in a meaningless, boundless conditional bundle caused by this realization.

This is the reason that the Buddha called things empty. They are not just empty, they are empty of realness. There is NOTHING that is not caused by some previous condition. And therefore there is nothing that won’t be changed by new conditions. Conditions are the causes of new conditions. HAHAHAHAHA… there’s nothing HERE. NOTHING! Just a collection of forms arising from an empty bed of previous forms!!!!

WHOA!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Let the effect of wind be the cause of whatever it pleases. Let it cause leaves to push across the grass. They are simply effects caused by conditions. Let it chill these bones and tussle this head. Let the effect be the cause of a new effect. MEANINGLESS. PERFECT AND BEAUTIFUL! RIGHT NOW there is no fear, no fearlessness, no care or carelessness, NO PURPOSE or purposelessness.

Watch out!

p

8:07AM

Run up the Jolley Roger Mates, we're preparin' to board.

Surrender the booty! It be talk like a pirate day, ye scurvy ridden pups.

And no convention as contorted as proper English will lay low our mad yearnin' for pollutants of various sorts and specifications.

Now, where's me bottle and me sword... (stumble...) ahem

p